Sample essay about judging success in business. This essay question asks two direct questions which you must answer about the way success in business can be measured. The essay below was written by a student but as one major flaw – can you find it.
Essay Question
Some people think that the only way to judge someone’s success in business is by the amount of money they make.
Is money a true indicator of the success of a business?
In what other ways could success in a business be measured?
Student’s Essay
It is argued in the statement that achievement and success in business can only be judged by the amount earned by the people. From my perspective, money is a true and most valuable criterion to mark success of a business. There are different other ways to measure business success which will be taken into account prior to reaching an informed conclusion.
Money is considered as a correct and reliable index to predict the strength of a successful business. For example, families of victorious business owners are rolling in money just because they earn a lot to fulfil the needs and demands of their dependents. It is clearly evident from the given example that the amount of money directly correlates with the huge productivity and outcome of a trade. So, it is only possible for someone to deal with all the life affairs very coherently with an ample amount of earning.
There are many other potential ways in which the peak of running business can be measured easily. Firstly, different deals and standard packages are only offered by the leading multinational companies. Secondly, a power of occupation can also be judged by the remarkable number of clients. Thirdly, an organization can also become successful with happy clerks and working staff. Finally, a success of a business can be related to the amount of taxes paid by its owners, as increased income will lead to more tax payments.
To conclude, although money is the most important way to determine the effectiveness of a business but other methods are also very important to tackle multiple problems in running a business. By following the above mentioned protocols, economy would have a bright future internationally.
Assessing the Essay Above
- Should the thesis statement begin with “From my prospective, …”
- Does the thesis statement provide answers to the questions?
- Does the first body paragraph answer the first question?
- Does the second body paragraph answer the second question?
- Does the topic sentence ( the first sentence) for each paragraph contain the main point?
- Are linking devices used well?
- What other comments can you make about this essay?
- It is better to start with “In my opinion”. See this lesson about how to give your opinion in an IELTS essay.
- Yes, each question should be answered in the introduction.
- Yes.
- Some of the points are off topic. Some ideas about how a company can become successful instead of how success is measured.
- The topic sentence for BP1 is fine and provides a clear answer. However, the topic sentence for BP2 is not clear because it doesn’t mention about measuring success of a business but about measuring the running of a business (which is not the same thing).
- Yes, they are used well.
- More time needs to be spent planning ideas to make sure they are on topic. Here are some tips on planning an IELTS essay.
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Hi Liz, I beg you to give feedbacks on my essay because I have IELTS exam on 4th November :)))))))
It is argued that the mere method to evaluate success in the business world depends on the monetary earnings people have. In my opinion, how much money people earn cannot be the only criterion to determining their achievement. There are other aspects to determine truly successful businessmen.
To begin with, the money that has accumulated in the pool of a company does not necessarily mean it achieves a great success for some reasons. First of all, being successful does not only comprises of the outcomes but also of the process where enormous efforts have been put. If a businessman makes money through illegal works which requires less effort, he or she cannot be considered as successful eventually. That is, despite earning a lot, they can be charged to some penalties.
However, some other signs of success can be seen by looking at different values rather than money. One of these alternative criteria for evaluation success is the quality of work done by these businesses. In fact, an entrepreneur can run a small business and produce very pragmatic results for the public. Even though he makes small numbers in terms of monetary earnings, he could have the sense of success and be proud of himself because of his beneficial services. Secondly, forming important networks in the business world sometimes receives much more crucial outcomes than money. A businessman can more benefit from his most prominent relationships in the longer terms.
In conclusion, money cannot be the only measurement on assessing achievement in business because the process of how the flaw of money is formulated could be faulty and brings some disturbances in the future. Instead, the quality of works done and the vital relationship formed would be alternative approaches to the indicator of success.
I don’t usually give feedback but in this case, I’ll mention just one point to be careful of. Make sure your main points are relevant. This is about measuring success of a business, not about someone feeling successful. Certainly, producing quality products can be seen as measure of success in the eyes of others. But you didn’t write this. You wrote “he could have the sense of success”. This is not about how the business man feels, it’s about how other people view the success of his business. So, you’ve take a relevant idea, but then gone off topic with it. Be careful how you phrase things. Misrepresenting an idea can push a decent idea off topic which will affect your score for Task Response.
Your other main point was having a network and how a business man can benefit from it. But this essays isn’t about how a business can become successful. It’s about measuring success – a measure that other people can use to judge a person’s business. Certainly if someone has a large online presence with loads of contacts, it can be viewed as a measure of success, but unfortunately, you didn’t present the idea in that way.
IELTS is not about just having good ideas, it’s about how you present them and how you word things. It is a language test, you used the wrong language to present your ideas which took your ideas off topic.
Here is another idea for a measure of success: a business’s reputation. They might have a reputation of being the best in their field which attracts customers and gives them great standing on social media. Many people see this as a measure of success to be envied.
Remember, the essay on the page above was a flawed essay from a student. I asked questions below the essay and provided answers. One of the question was about being off topic and I explained some of the ideas are off topic in the same way you have done. Always read all the tips I give on the page or you might misunderstand the point of the exercise.
Hello liz , how r you? I am writing to you for the first time . Actually, I was reading an essay written by a student and you have assessed it .
DIRECT QUESTION ESSAY
” Some people think that the only way to judge someone’ success in business is the amount of money they make.
is money a true indicator of the success of a business?
Does this question need my opinion . please clarify
thank you🙂
It will be your opinion, but if you don’t use words such as “In my opinion”, it won’t matter. This isn’t the case with an actual Opinion Essay, which requires such words.
In the contemporary era , a lot of people try to go to various places to get energy and relax their mind when they are exhausted such as zoos ,green areas ,shopping and gym centres and so on .Few individuals believe that if a new town is built then higher authority should be manufactured more public parks ,game areas rather than shopping malls . I will completely agree with this provided statement. I will discuss mainly the reasons in the coming paragraph.
Commencing with the advantages reason of public parks and sports center . The first and foremost argumentation is that public animities like green parks , stadium and any type of equipments are boost their city beauty. First of all ,when regulatory bodies construct public abilities then human beings are develop their skills with the help of stadium. In additionally,they can play basketball, football,tennis and son on and grow their talents. Government are provided greeny park for individual and they obtain natural oxygen and reduce their health issues. Secondly, when people play any sports then they Jain with any another person . Due to this reason they are rising great bond in two different people. And they can develop rach other’s talent within themselves.
Furthermore , there are a plenty of advangeous aspects of public places rather than shopping malls . The main reason is that public amenities and sports centers are always available free of cost . To articulate, authority are provide this place without any charges. And also everybody are utilise this places anytime and anyway. However, shopping malls are provide all things in a cost . Without money individuals are not able toh purchase products. And last advantage is that problem become more creative and competitive. They are try to do something new activity in park and stadium. And it helps to solve hardship issues .
To conclusion, for a new town all facilities are essential. But the government should do best for people’s health . They build useful and important facilities for a new place
Can we also mention that luck also plays it’s part for successful business
Certainly, but you would have to explain that clearly in your essay. High band scores are about ideas which have been developed, expanded and well explained.
What kind of essay question is it then, when it ask for our opinion?
I found it very hard to get a clear structure, because I didn´t understand what the examiner want.
Hello Liz!
Regarding the above essay about the measurement of success, you said that the student has written some off topic sentences. Why is it that his band score is still 9? Would it not affect the task response? thank you
Thanks for mentioning that. It was supposed to be a link to model essays. The link is now active.
Hello,
thank you so much for everything again…I just stuged soöething in the first paragraph.
Is that correct, ‘prior to reaching’ due to having both gerund and to infinitive all together?
Sincerely,
Hi Liz,
I have gone through most of your model essays. Extremely helpful indeed. Regarding the above essay, I feel it does not ask for our opinion, hence writing, “in my perspective”, should be avoided. Am I wrong in understanding this? Kindly comment.
Thanks a lot !
The first question will be answered differently by different people because of their opinion. It is asking for your opinion. Also please note that “in my perspective” is incorrect English, it should be “from my perspective”.
All the best
Liz