Introduction Paragraph Feedback

The introduction paragraph below was sent to me by a student in response to the following essay question.

Essay Question

With an increasing population communicating via the internet and text messaging, face to face communication will become a thing of the past. To what extent do you agree?

Student Introduction

Face to face communication is become less important than the past, since increase and populate communication by the internet and text messaging. In my opinion, I agree that face to face communication will suffer as some small, develop new technologies but it is fishy that it is cause the death of traditional communicate.

Feedback

The ideas and technique in this introduction are fine. However, the grammar and vocaulary make it difficult for the reader. Let’s go through each mistake before seeing the model.

      1.  “Face to face communication is become less important than the past ….” There are two mistakes in this sentence. One mistake is with the grammar tense and one mistake is a missing preposition. Can you correct the errors? Answer
        Face to face communication has become less important than in the past.
      2. since increase and populate communication by the internet and text messaging. There is a problem with both vocabulary and grammar. Can you correct it? Answer
        …since the popular increase in communication by internet and text messaging.
      3. face to face communication will suffer as some small, develop new technologies Can you correct the problems? Answer
        …face to face communication will suffer due to the development of technology.. 
      4. …but it is fishy that it is cause the death of traditional communicateThere are a lot of errors with this part of the sentence due to the choice of vocabulary. How would you write it? Answer
        but it is unlikely that it will result in the disappearance of direct, face to face communication .

Comments

  1. “It is fishy that …” this is an idiom which means it is suspicious. Firstly, the meaning is not right for the above sentence. Secondly, it is not academic. Many idioms are not academic and therefore many shouldn’t be used in IELTS writing task 2. Don’t confuse idioms with idiomatic language. The student should use “it is unlikely to …” or “it is doubtful that …”.
  2. “..cause the death of …” this is also an idiom which can be used in academic writing but the meaning is not appropriate for this essay.
  3. “traditional communication” the writer is trying to paraphrase the words “face to face communication”. Unfortunately, it can’t be paraphrased. Not all words can be paraphrased in English.
  4. Many students try to paraphrase all words because they think they will get a high score. Unfortunately, the result is a lot of errors. If you have frequent errors, you will get band score 5  or 5.5 in vocabulary. You must be very sure of your paraphrasing or you will end up with more and more mistakes which will reduce your band score.

Model Introduction

As a growing number of people are choosing to communicate through the use of modern technology, such as the internet and text messaging, some people think that face to face communication will eventually die out. In my opinion, although I agree that face to face communication will become increasingly less popular, it is unlikely to disappear completely and will still be favoured in certain situations.

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Comments

  1. Hi mam your site is wonderful

  2. Hi liz,
    pls check my answer.
    Face to face or seeing someone physically to communicate is gradually loosing it value.this is because ,there is an increase number of people communicating using the internet and text messages.
    In my opinion, i think most people prefer communicating with internet and text message because its the fastest and less stressful way.

  3. Hi Liz
    Can I write words like “pros and cons ” in writing task 2?

    Thanks for your lessons.

  4. dr.asad says:

    hi liz,
    i unable to take more that 6 and 6.5 in acedamic writing and reading respectively …plz guide me how can i improve these two….plz check the introduction.
    Now a days , people are preferring to communicate with each other via internet and text messaging,due to which face to face interaction between people is becoming outdated.In my opinion , i totally agree with this statement that because of these advancment in technologies people are not socializing face to face with each other, hence face to face communication is become an old fashion.

  5. Dear Teacher,
    I write the following version, please give me feedback whether I have directly answerred the points ?
    Thank you and best regards,

    The growing number of people using mobile phone and internet to communicate with others has made face-to-face conversation become less important. In my opinion, I agree with the idea that modern communicating methods will be more preferable than the conventional approach, however, I do not think that making a direct conversation between people is going to be unneccessary.

  6. hey liz i have written the intro..kindly help me improve

    The popularity of social media networking like internet and text messaging is increasing among the population which will soon make face to face interaction an obsolete way to communicate. I believe that it is a serious concern because social media networking services has so much interference in our lives that we will soon forget human values.

    • You haven’t answered the question. Will face to face communication disappear. Make sure you provide a direct answer to the issue.
      All the best
      Liz

      • Thanku for highlighting my mistake. I have paraphrased my thesis statement again

        I believe that it is a serious concern because social medi networking services has so much interference in out lives that soon fave to face communication will die out.

        Is it,fine now?

        • Much better. Now you have answered the question directly. This is really important for writing task 2. Each sentence must be linked and must be 100% relevant to the issue. It’s not just about your ideas, it’s about how you write your ideas and present them. There are some typing errors but otherwise, it’s good.
          Liz

  7. Hi Liz,
    your site is very informative. I have written my intro below. please give me feedback..

    Communication through the utilization of mobile messaging and social sites online has grown in number among people. However, socializing in real world facing each other will eventually dissapear. In my opinion, i think this will be the case in the future where people would not make face to face interaction to others anymore due to technological convenience and comfort.

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