Below is a student’s discussion essay. Read through the essay and then answer the questions below.
Some people think that the government should fund music, dance and arts lessons for children. Others think that they should be funded by private businesses or by children’s families. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
It is argued in the statement that government should contribute in music, dance and arts learning of the children whereas many others think that it is the responsibility of parents or local organisations to support these programs. In my opinion, the above mentioned subjects should be aided by the concerning and governing bodies of a state.
On the one hand, it is often thought by many people that government of a state should contribute in learning of arts and cultural subjects such as music and dance for the children. For example, in some secondary schools, government provides material required in the construction of different art projects or instruments like guitar and keyboard to learn music. This example clearly shows that by providing support to the young students, government could easily promote cultural and traditional values all around the world. Hence, governments are responsible for the growth of arts and music.
On the other hand, according to some people, instead of governing bodies, children’s families or private agencies should participate in the growth and learning of music, dance or other arts work. For instance, students of a single class may not be equally interested in learning music or dance, so funding by the government could be wasted in this manner. Therefore, it is important that parents of interested kids should groom their children by sending them to the private institutions where they can enjoy their preferences. In this way, funds by the government can be utilized well on some other things.
To conclude, I believe that government should provide all the facilities of learning arts and music, as this is the cultural heritage which should be preserved internationally.
- Does the student give a clear opinion? What is their opinion? AnswerThe answer is given quite well. The student believes the government should pay for the lessons. However, the vocabulary is not completely clear “the concerning and governing bodies of a state.” The word “concerning” is irrelevant and is slightly confusing. The thesis statement should be very clear and vocabulary 100% accurate so only write about the government.
- Is the information in the introduction relevant?AnswerYes, the information given is mostly relevant. There is no unnecessary information given. There is a background statement and a thesis statement. However, the introduction could be improved by using more precise vocabulary. For example, the students wrote “government should contribute in music, dance and arts learning” but this essay is about money and funding not just contributing. Again in the thesis statement the student writes “should be aided” but this essay is not about giving help, it’s about money. “The student is trying to avoid repeating the word “funding” but it should be repeated – you can get a band score 9 even with that word repeated. Another way to say it is “pay for”.
- What reasons are given in the essay for the government to fund lessons in school? Can you think of other reasons?AnswerThe ideas are not completely clear but they are that the government can pay for equipment and can help in the growth of the arts. This could be written more clearly “One reason for government funding is that the government has more financial resources to pay for expensive equipment needed to run top quality classes. Another benefit of state funded lessons is that they can help promote these subjects on a wider scale.” Thes e are the main reasons.
- What reasons are given in the essay for lessons to be privately funded? Are they correct? Can you think of more?AnswerThe reasons are that students are not all equally interested in art or music and another reason is that students can enjoy their preferences in private lessons. These are good reasons but in this paragraph there is also disadvantages of government funding – that is not needed in this paragraph. This paragraph should be about private funding only. Other reasons why privately funded lessons are better – 1. teachers can adapt lessons to suit the individual learner 2. the time and length of lesson is more flexible 3. classes are either individual or one-to-one so there’s more feedback and support
- Can you find an example of non academic words?AnswerYes, the word “kid”. This student is worried about repeating the word “children” and it over paraphrasing. Children are children – the word will be repeated. “kid” is not academic. Also the word “like” used as a linking device is not academic.
- What band score would you give this essay?AnswerThe essay structure is excellent. The ideas are mostly relevant. It would probably get about 6.5. It could get band score 7 if the vocabulary was more accurate and the student wrote about funding rather than helping.
- What advice would you give this student to improve?AnswerDon’t try to paraphrase all words. Decide which words can and cannot be paraphrase accurately. Also don’t change the meaning of the essay. Over paraphrasing is as problematic as under paraphrasing. This essay is about funding not about contributing or aiding. Underline the key words in the essay question and always make sure you are answering them.
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